My partner has taken up writing in their journal again the last few months. They started with a new approach — responding to cheesy, look-on-the-bright-side prompts rather than just dumping bile into their notebook. They're as skeptical of this as I am, but it seems to be working. Maybe I'll try that here, it might prove to be a balm. It's not easy though, old habits are hard to break — and I just woke up which is for me the hardest time to be positive.
Well, for starters, I'm sitting out on my balcony and there's a beautiful blue sky overhead. It's a little chilly, but I've got ample layers so I'm mostly comfortable. I can hear the alternating calls of the pigeons and the seagulls. The air is fresh and clean.
I awoke with the same dread that I will fail today in some way or another. But maybe just relax ... it's gonna be ok right? Breathe.
Yesterday morning it was the same. But it turned out alright I think. True I fell into some of the same old traps. I smoked a few cigarettes which always fuels the shame furnace as much as it gives me a little pickup. There was pornography involved, but that's a conversation for another day. But! But I finished a post on this blog which feels good and positive. It's true that writing feels good again when I do it here.
I think the best part of my day was probably cooking dinner. It was an act of kitchen improvisation, I picked up some groceries on the way home not quite knowing what to do. Some key players: sweet potatoes, red onions, carrots, and from the international grocery store some fancy basmati rice and "Mango Pickle" sauce. It turned out alright. It was also nice to have dinner with A. — usually we don't drink on weeknights but there was an unopened bottle of wine staring us down and we indulged.
It's tempting to find my way to positivity by listing the things I didn't do. I didn't get high (been clean for a few months now). I didn't sit in the apartment all day. I didn't lose myself in video games or binging TV shows or some other massive dissociation hole. My mind starts to wander, though, to the thinks I should have done. Let's just leave that aside for now.
As you may or may not be able to tell, it's a real struggle for me to keep positive here. I guess it's something that takes practice. But! But I am doing just fine. Today is another day, it may even be a good one. Let's go.